ericli13's Journal

Balance
My maxim in life over these past few years has been to live a balanced life: a life where you would properly balance all the elements that an individual would need to be an intelligent, and social being. But striving for this balance has come at a critical price, I am decent or merely competent at everything but great at nothing. In this atomized society where social niches are developed based on specialization and mastery of skills, I often find myself alone in the void of just knowing barely enough but not enough for it to matter.

Am I bound to a life of mediocrity with no promise of greatness?

Current Music: Simple Plan - Perfect

Me
I've been noticing a trend in my life: I no longer care about the opinions of people that I don't really know. I always lived with the fear of what stranger's thought of me: whether I fit their preconceived notions of what normality is. But I have finally come to a point in my life where I have discovered the purpose in my life and I know who I am; this knowledge has given me an anchor in life. I have embraced my uniqueness, your biggest insult to me is to call me normal and conventional because I defy all your standards and definitions. I will never go with the flow of what you want me to be; I will define my own existence however much I have to struggle to attain my ideal. At the end of my life, I will not regret living outside of the norms -the masochistic choices, my exhibitions or my ideas- because I will have lived life on my own terms.

Random Thoughts
I've always thought it was interesting how they say that behind every clown lies a great sadness. Their facades is that of humor; even the clowns painted with the sad faces are considered funny. What thoughts reside in a true clown's mind as they perform their tricks and jokes; do they look for some temporary absolution to their pains in the smiles and laughter of the audience or are they merely maintaining the illusion that is so fragilely held together.

Do I make things in my life more difficult than it really is? Do I place another roadblock in my life with every introspective thought and every attempt to be a better person?

I find myself in a funny situation with this Livejournal. If I use Livejournal as a blank slate to my rather depressing ruminations, people consider me as depressing; if I write about everyday events its more like showing off how many "fun" activities I've been involved in.

I am caught in a Catch-22 with this journal, how honest or filtered can I really be when I know that people are reading this journal and treating the feelings that I express in my journals as a complete reflection of my current state of mind. Living in this digital life, its funny how many assumptions and presumptions that we create in our minds to fill in the image of people.

Current Music: The Byrds - Turn Turn Turn

Love and Sex
If love can be simply explained as the reaction of seretonin and other hormones in the brain, then what is the point of falling in love if there is no longer a mystery shrouding it. More and more, romance and love are seen as anachronisms: things that only exist in romantic comedies staring British actors - Hugh Grant comes into mind. Modern life has been broken down to where it is simply a search for pleasures in sex, polygamy and decadence. Watching Sex in the City and other shows featuring the modern women has made me realize that maybe not all women grow emotionally attached to their sexual partners: they have sex to enjoy the physical pleasures of it.

At a time in my life where I feel emotional distant with most people, the ones that I feel a deeper connection for are far between. As I feel this sense of alienation, people all around me are having their drunken orgies, engaging in promiscuous activities; the only thing I wonder is whether I have always been a minority. Maybe all through my life I have been wrong on the values I've idealized and cherished; possibly the only way to live is to throw away all questions of morality: to cherish pleasure and instant gratification as they may come without worrying about future consequences.

Current Music: Linkin Park - Numb

Time
When I was young, each day of my youth was spent looking to the future; a special emphasis placed where I saw myself as an adult.

Now at the dawn of my adulthood, I find myself wavering between the past and the future: a nostalgia in regards to the past and a dread of the future.

Today, I was forced to acknowledge the importance of the present: the miliseconds that precede and proceed our existence. The chilling prospect where if we had acted even a fraction of a second before or after when we did actually act, that these other possibilities could contain the potential to change our lives forever.

Current Music: Train - Calling All Angels

Lost In Translation
Lost in Translation has been one of the most poignant movies I've seen in my life; a wonderful story artfully crafted, subtle and beautiful. The movie to me was especially striking because how closely I related to Bob and Charlotte feeling lost in this world. A feeling you get sometimes when you're sitting by yourself, listening to some music and you suddenly realize that practically everyone in your life doesn't understand you. Even if you were to bring the subject up to people you are close to, they would look at you strangely or offer a generic answer; the passing seconds full of awkward tension as you let your admission slowly diffuse away.

But this movie has given me hope in life: that one day we will find someone who we can honestly open up to and that they won't ignore -either out of apathy or ignorance- your comment. A relationship or friendship where we can be perfectly honest to each other, stripped of all facades; two people just trying to work together to get through life's insanity.

Current Music: My Bloody Valentine - Sometimes

The lessons of history offers us a way to prevent the recurrence of past mistakes.

If so, why am I such a fool.

Current Mood: angry

Things I learned in the last few minutes...

1) Conversations with Derek depresses me.
2) Bow down to the UCLA master, Derek
3) I should've went to UCLA

Took O-chem final tonight; I listened to Mozart's Requiem entering the exam, listened to Mozart's Requiem after the exam, 'nuff said...

1 down 3 to go.

Notice
Would really love to chat but Organic Chemistry on Wednesday, Chinese History on Thursday and Physics on Friday; almost reminds me of a Craig David song... Giving up IM due to Finals until Friday Night, Ta.

Current Music: Nine Inch Nails - Closer

How much I hate my Anthro Project especially since I need to study for Finals
"According to William, a Chinese individual with a strong Chinese heritage unsurpassed by other Chinese individuals, on Chinese New Year, they reverse the Chinese character for Chinese Year."

21 Grams
In one of those rare moments in my life, I let the darkness collapse all around me.

It really wasn't suppose to be this way, I was near the end of watching American Splendor on my computer when I realized that I was extremely bored and I decided to go to the theaters and watch 21 Grams by myself. I am not sure why I decided to watch 21 Grams, I could've easily had opted for Love Actually, which would've made me depressed about love instead about life, but I guess I just wanted to watch it as some sort of continuation to American Splendor.

And then the movie started and I became haunted with its questions: questions regarding my own mortality and of the mortality of those close to me. One day, when we least suspect it, we will receive a call one of those phone calls. It will shatter our illusions regarding the permanance of life and show us how fragile life is. But after that where do we go...

Current Music: Oasis - Stand By Me

Idealism
The desire to want something special, uncommon, and not bogged by the expectations of a fantasy. A truly transcendental experience controlled by the desires of the heart and nothing else.

Is it a foolish quest to desire something at an ideal state, something that to you is so valuable that you would sacrifice contentment to achieve, if only for a second. If it was an illusion, I have blindly followed that road and if I was right, the promise of something far greater than contentment.

At times, those nostalgic times, I find my mind regretting each sacrifice made; merely so I could uphold the illusion of happiness and as being normal.

At other times, when I feel most bold, I am proud of the choice made, allowing my idealism to maintain pure.

But how long can idealism maintain, for old age brings another form of illusion; one that forces you to merely accept what reality has to "offer" and to put down our idealism like the stuffed animals of our youth.

Current Music: Jay-Z - Moment of Clarity

As we get older, are we more apt to believe in the lies and fantasies created in our minds or are we more likely to accept reality however distasteful it may seem?

Current Music: Kent - Stop Me June

X-mas
Christmas has officially started after the first salvo of bids on Ebay. But for some reason, this Christmas season seems to have a bittersweet quality to it; a lot of things have changed this past year, a lot I still have not reconciled myself with.

Oh well, I still have Its a Wonderful Life, Damn you Harry Potter!

But oh poor American Express Blue Card, first you dealt with that horrible Ipod and now I will send you back into the depths of hell to deal with Pre/Post Christmas Shopping. Though I guess the real pain comes when I get the credit card bill ;p.

Yes Shelley, you will indeed get your nice gift. And Diane, you'll get a copy of Lolita with your present to make up for the copy I lost.

Current Music: No Doubt - Its My Life

The time after midterms and before finals...
Once the stress of midterms has settled and the stress of incoming finals has not hit you yet you reach one of those "relaxation times".

During those times you should be studying, because well, finals and papers are around the corner... Instead you find yourself checking Livejournal, Friendster or IM profiles 15 million times looking for some irrelevant distraction to pull yourself away from "studying". And at the same time, while reading some boring Chinese history text, you find yourself in a strange reverie, thinking about things that is probably best left hidden in the subconscious. You realize that you have become the quintessential college student, finding any excuse -however masochistic- to avoid any and every form of work.

Current Music: Eric Suen - Love Story Part 1

Fear
Today, while moving William's car, I was consumed with this paranoia that I would get into an accident even though it was a minute ride. For some reason, I've always had an inherent fear of getting into accidents, leading me to disown the freeway. But delving deeper, I've noticed a pattern of self-doubt that I find quite discomforting.

Its ironic -at least to me- that I can argue and speak confidently in front of a large crowd, yet I am such a timid and back-pedaling wuss when I am around a small group of people I don't know. What am I really afraid of?! Geoffrey said it best, when he told me that it doesn't matter what others think of you, because the people worth having friends are the ones that can accept you. It's not like I am devoid of any good qualities; when I am comfortable around people: I am sociable, funny and smart. So what am I afraid of?

Why am I afraid of the success that I could reap if I stopped settling for second best?

Why am I afraid of responsibility?

Ultimately: Why am I afraid of what life has to offer?

At the back of my head, I am wondering why am I even writing this entry. I think its mainly because I want to make myself accountable in taking the first step to overcome this fear of life. I've made too many excuses for myself over these last 19 years and it has to stop.

Current Music: Sarah McLachlan - Fallen

My MP3 player has unceremoniously died on me; quite sad since I need the music to study for midterms.

IPod time? haha...

My Father
Had chat with my dad tonight

According to my dad:

1) I am still to become a doctor... And they say I have selective hearing
2) Caltech Physics must be easier than Berkeley Physics because Caltech professors care *insert generic "awwwww"* just forget how much harder Caltech physics is
3) I should've applied to MIT because it would've made me the ultimate pre-med *rolls eyes*
4) Indian people are black 0_o

Dad: Didn't your black roommate take physics?
Me: What?! She's Indian!
Dad: Aren't they the same?
Me: No!

5) He can talk to my professors and impress them with my genius and my unlimited potential as scapel-wielding Asian doctor. Thus they will all give me A's because they'll want me as their future doctor.

Funniest talk I've had in a while

Current Mood: amused
Current Music: 50 Cent - Magic Stick

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